Jewish Outreach Media Campaign
P.O. Box 111
Town of Lumberland, NY 12770
Here's one my cousin just e-mailed me:
A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is much better!"
Here are a few of the better ones we've heard recently....
- If you are an aspiring Jew, or marrying into a Jewish family, or dating someone Jewish, there are certain things you should know. Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to blend in well:
1. There are no Jews living in:
>>b. El Paso
>>c. trailer parks
2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
>>a. do windows
>>b. make latkes
>>c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings.
3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
4. Jews spend their vacations:
>>c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next.
5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
>>a. up on the newest style
>>b. entitled to free haircuts
>>c. not likely to be Jewish
6. Wilderness means:
>>a. no running water
>>b. no electricity
>>c. no hot and sour soup.
7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
>>c. howling over the neighbor's lawn ornaments
8. Jews rarely drive:
>>b. on Saturdays
>>c. eighteen wheelers
9. A Jewish skydiver is:
>>c. an apparition
10. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to:
>>a. become a prostitute
>>b. deface a synagogue
>>c. remove the back of a TV set
11. Jews never sing:
>>b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
>>c. around a piano bar
12. Jews are ambivalent about:
>>b. Jesse Jackson
>>c. Absolutely nothing
>>1 point for each "a" answer - 2 for each "b" - and 3 for each "c"
32-36 points: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from Florida or New York.
- Mrs. Goldstein went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by young Dr. Bernstein. However, after about four minutes in the examination room, she suddenly ran out the door, screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where young Dr. Bernstein was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Goldstein is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!"
Young Dr. Bernstein continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "And tell me, does she still have the hiccups?..."
- A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Einstein. Now he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So, a couple of weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey...This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it... It's salty and it gives me gas, but what do you care? You should try it yourself. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to do my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed...stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the dog owner. "He's not fully trained yet. He thought I said, "Kvetch."
So it seems that these four Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The Rabbi is getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he says "Oh G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The Rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other Rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!" (From Ahavat-Israel.Com)
- President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief says "The Jews have this expression 'VUS TUTZUCH'. ("What's happening man?," basically).
They just ask each other and they know everything.
The president decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as a Hassid (black hat, beard, long payis, etc), is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Williamsburg - one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The president stops him and whispers "VUS TUTZUCH?"
The old man whispers back, "I hear Bush is in Brooklyn."
- Dov, a Jewish actor is so down and out that he's ready to settle for any acting job he can find. Finally, he gets a lead - a classified ad that says "actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that" says Dov.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo. It seems that, owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the ape they need to replace their recently deceased one. So, until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.
At first his conscience nags him that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Also, Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job he begins to be amused by all the attention and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers, hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might while beating his chest. Soon he's drawing a sizeable crowd.
One day when Dov is swinging on the vines showing off to a group of school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage - the Lion's den.
Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws and prays at the top of his lungs..."Shma Yisrael Ado-nai Eloheino Ado-nai echad" (Hear O Israel, the Lord is our G-d, the Lord is one!)
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars..."Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed!" (Blessed is the name of His glorious kingship forever and ever!)
"Shut up, you schmucks," a panda bear mutters from a third cage - "You'll get us all fired!"
- Avi Hoffman - (a very talented performer) in his show, "Too Jewish" - tells of the two young Jewish mothers, each pushing a baby carriage, who meet on the street in the year 2018.
"Oh, look at the adorable new baby" says the first mother, "What's his name?"
"Shlomo," says the second mother. "- After his dear grandfather - Scott."
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